I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.