I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.