I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.