I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?