They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.