Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."