Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.