Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.