Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.