At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

The last time I saw Marilyn was in late 1959, when I appeared in Let's Make Love at Fox. The wide-eyed Marilyn I had first known was gone. This Marilyn was more beautiful than ever.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.