I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?