The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!