The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.