I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.