Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.