I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.