It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.