It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.