My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.