My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.