I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.