I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.