I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.