I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.