I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.