Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.