I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.