I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.