I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.