I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.