I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.