The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.