Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.