I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.