I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?