I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.