Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.