Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.