You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.