You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.