I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.