Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.