Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.