Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.