Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.