Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?