One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.