One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.