You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.