You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.