We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.