We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?