We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.