We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.