Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.