Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"