Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.