If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.