Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.