If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"