If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.