My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.