This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.