This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.