If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.