There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"