On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"