He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.