He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.