We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.