We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?