She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.