Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"