Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.