Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.