Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.