I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.