Ain't nothin' an ol' man can do but bring me a message from a young one.

Honey, that Totie Fields is one well-fed white woman. When that gal sits around the house, she sits around the house!

It's no disgrace to be old. But damn if it isn't inconvenient.

If you don't want your children to know the truth about life don't send 'em to the theater to see Moms 'cause I'm gonna tell them THE TRUTH, hear?

Advice to children crossing the street: damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

Anytime you see me with my arms around an old man, I'm holding him for the police.

[On turning down an invitation to appear for four minutes on the Ed Sullivan Show:] Honey, it takes Moms four minutes just to get on the stage.