[On old age:] You wake up one morning and you got it.

[On turning down an invitation to appear for four minutes on the Ed Sullivan Show:] Honey, it takes Moms four minutes just to get on the stage.

I don't want nothing old but some old money. Buy me some young ideas. That's what I'm gonna do with it.

Advice to children crossing the street: damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody.

[On old age:] You wake up one morning and you got it.

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

It's no disgrace to be old. But damn if it isn't inconvenient.