I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

If you can't join them, beat them.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.

If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.