I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!