I found people looked better when they laughed

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

A political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.