Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.