One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.

You know me, I love lost causes.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.