Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

Every time the Russians throw an American in jail, the Committee throws an American in jail to get even.

If you can't join them, beat them.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.