Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

New book on Malcolm X says we don't know how he was killed. Want to bring in the FBI. Maybe they were in already.

You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - except the drone.

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.