Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.

I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.