If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.

I'm for capital punishment. You've got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

Everything I tell you is true, but this is factual.

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong.

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.