I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.

A conservative doesn't want anything to happen for the first time; a liberal feels it should happen, but not now.