Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

My life needs editing.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.

Professional comedians, surprisingly, have a lack of humor. They're insensitive to the insanity of our times.