If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you'll eventually be accused of treason.

Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.

A political satirist's job is to draw blood. I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.

You know me, I love lost causes.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.