My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.

I went to computer class with my Dell and I was bullied by a guy with a Mac.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

If anybody comes up to you and says, My kid is a conservative - why is that? you say, Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?

I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.

I found people looked better when they laughed

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job.